Paris Kennedy - Some Tips for the Newly Sober

[Duncan Edwards]

Basically, addiciton sucks. I'm glad the worst thing I've ever had to deal with was quitting smoking.

It's funny the things we label as addictions are the most obvious. Among the several reasons I avoid any kind of traditional addictive substances are my failures with less obvious ones. I can't function without sex and caffine. I gave up Coke (Coca Cola) for coffee at the age of 46. My sex addiction has been with me since my earliest years and won't go away until several days after I'm dead. Maybe it's not an actual sex addiction but an addiction to women. It took most of my life to realize that my father is similarly addicted to food and sex. Both have virtually ruined him. Regardless, the idea of being controlled by something that I probably could not keep from destroying me is frightening.

[QuicksandMania]

My sex addiction has been with me since my earliest years and won't go away until several days after I'm dead. Maybe it's not an actual sex addiction but an addiction to women. It took most of my life to realize that my father is similarly addicted to food and sex. Both have virtually ruined him.

The authors of The Ethical Slut deny there is any such thing as sexual addiction.

Not surprisingly, they are bisexual polyamorous swingers.

There is a lesson in there somewhere.

[Fred588]

My sex addiction has been with me since my earliest years and won't go away until several days after I'm dead. Maybe it's not an actual sex addiction but an addiction to women. It took most of my life to realize that my father is similarly addicted to food and sex. Both have virtually ruined him.

The authors of The Ethical Slut deny there is any such thing as sexual addiction.

Not surprisingly, they are bisexual polyamorous swingers.

There is a lesson in there somewhere.

All discussion about what is and is not an addiction is confused by different definitions of addiction. Technically, the term only applies if withdrawal symptoms occur when the focus of the addiction is unavailable. But even then things are fuzzy. With alcohol and heroin the withdrawal symptoms are pretty much obvious. But with something like gambling they are less so. Sometimes the term "dependence" is tried as a substitute but things get messy with something like insulin. Other terms that get used, pretty much just as ill-defined, include compulsion and obsession, but those have other meanings as well. Sometimes people try to assert that the development of tolerance over time is part of the equation, but then patients in need of medicines such as L-dopa (for Parkinson's Disease) also develop tolerance over time. Some people seem to think that addiction, as a term, requires some sort of mental effect, such as reduction of pain, clouded thinking, hallucinations.and so on. For example, when the tobacco company executive testified in front of Congress (and under oath) that nicotine was not addictive, it is likely they were hiding behind a false definition of addiction.

Sorry for the health-class lecture but until nine months ago I frequently taught college health classes and the above was in the syllabus.

[Nessie]

This makes for a bit of interesting reading. It makes me think I must not be emotional enough

Well, I don't know about that...but you never drank. So what Paris is describing is something that you wouldn't have ever faced.

Nothing I say next applies to a moderate drinker. When I stopped my drinking, I put an end to a serious problem. All of you people who can stop after a couple glasses of wine and will be able to do that forever can just ignore everything that comes next, because this isn't you.

What Paris is trying to say is that when you suddenly go off of an addicting substance, of course you're in for an emotional adjustment of some kind. It is highly likely that you were using the substance -- regularly -- to cope with stress and adversity and bad feelings and all that horrible stuff. When you have alcohol in your life, you have a bad day, so you grab the bottle, and the stress goes away like magic. But then you quit drinking. And...you have another bad day...and...ugh...

Owwie owwie oooh.

You can't wave the magic wand any more to make it all go away so you have to muddle through somehow, and it's like learning to walk all over again. It goes better for some folks than others. She's saying, don't be ashamed of it, or afraid of it...just let it happen. You'll survive it. You'll figure it out.

I was lucky. Going sober didn't trigger much in the way of emotional episodes. Then again, absolutely nothing bad happened to me as a result of giving up alcohol. Only one person in my family even knew, and he didn't react a whole lot, so nothing actually changed inside that permanent circle of my loved ones.

My drinking pals? They had to take a hike. But I didn't miss those people, because we had no relationship outside a bottle.

After forty-eight hours without a drink, things were already looking up, and it only got better. To be honest, my new sobriety wasn't anything to cry about. If there had been more actual life changes as a result of me quitting, maybe I would have had more adjusting to do.

Paris' advice about orgasms is completely sound. Orgasms are just as much fun as alcohol, and they're a lot cheaper. They don't rot your liver and you can get up and walk around shortly after you have one. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you cum with such a mind-blowing explosion that you absolutely must take a nap. Well, at least you won't wake up with a headache and a sour tummy.

But it doesn't have to be orgasms -- as long as you fill the void with something, anything, that you can love, or learn to love, more than you love alcohol. And it's not that hard to do, because when you really and truly get rid of alcohol, you'll discover how much time you were really spending on drinking. Travel, art, reading, writing, hiking, biking, rollerskating, nature, a dog, a cat, motorcycles, your family, your church, your atheist group, concerts, playing music, fine dining, charity work, movies, gardening, building stuff...the list goes on and on and is only limited by your imagination.

I like the "Borrow $20" idea. I could use an extra $20.

But I'm really, really bad at the "Be Less Annoying" thing and you have to be good at that to get the $20.

Sadly, I cannot be around drinkers any more. It goes like this: When you're happily getting sauced with a drinking buddy, you are not aware of what you're doing to yourselves. Right up to the very moment that one of you drops into a limp, passed-out sodden heap, you are both completely convinced that you are the wittiest, wisest, coolest conversationalists in the world. But take away my drink -- and make me hang out while somebody else does his utmost to sink to the very lowest level of nerve-dead nirvana to become a slobbering, staggering idiot...and I have just gotta get out of there. It may be judgmental, it may be intolerant, but I am NOT going to be able to last long enough for somebody to get drunk enough to hand over any $20 and then forget about it.

Can we raise amount of the "loan" to $50?

For $50, I could be polite for about an hour and a half.

I'll even be honest about this "loan" thing. I'll hang onto the money for a full week just to make sure that they won't ask for it back. I wouldn't feel right keeping that money unless they've really and truly forgotten that they ever gave it to me.

I wish Paris all the best with her new, sober life. Her article made sobriety sound fun, fascinating, and totally worth the trouble -- and that's a good thing.

Nessie

[nachtjaeger]

When I first went to my new doctor back in '92, he asked if I drank. I replied "I average about a beer a week." He said "You don't drink." He asked me if I smoked, and I said "Less than a pack a year." He said "You don't smoke."

I did quit drinking for a couple years back in the late '80s when I realized I was spending too much time and money at the local tavern. Very lucky I had the sense not to fall into an addiction. Never really got back in the habit, although about once a year I would get roaringly drunk on ale and mead and applejack in a recreation of a Viking mead hall. We'd fight, "kill" each other, then when the dinner horn blew we'd pick ourselves up and head for the hall. We'd eat red meat off the bone, sing, tell stories, and fall asleep under the benches. Next morning, do it again. Who doesn't want to spend a weekend in Valhalla?

Also had a long talk with my doctors about medicinal use of Marijuana. It does have a lot of benefits, but it has negative side effects too. Weed helps you relax and de-stress. But just like taking a decongestant, when you stop using it you get a "rebound" effect and get more anxious. This is where the thing about stoners getting "paranoid" comes from. And also, there are the side effects of inability to focus and "amotivation." The doc mentioned having teen patients come in complaining about not being able to focus in school or get themselves out of bed. She asks them if they get high, and they say "Yeah, what's that got to do with it?" Shoot, I figured that one out right off back in '87 or so.

[nachtjaeger]

Fascinating. I just started a new med- this one is an anti-anxiety one- last month. So far no negative side effects. However, it has done something that even Testosterone therapy didn't do- brought me back to what I consider a "normal" male sex drive. And orgasms have lately been. . . intense. This is in contrast to having gotten to where it was hard to get "over the top." My Lady Wife say I'm more "myself" than I've been in years. Took a LOT of trial and error to get the right mix of meds, but (fingers crossed) I think we've got it nailed.

Paris' advice about orgasms is completely sound. Orgasms are just as much fun as alcohol, and they're a lot cheaper. They don't rot your liver and you can get up and walk around shortly after you have one. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you cum with such a mind-blowing explosion that you absolutely must take a nap. Well, at least you won't wake up with a headache and a sour tummy.

[Nessie]

All discussion about what is and is not an addiction is confused by different definitions of addiction. Technically, the term only applies if withdrawal symptoms occur when the focus of the addiction is unavailable. But even then things are fuzzy. With alcohol and heroin the withdrawal symptoms are pretty much obvious.

I had no withdrawal symptoms that I know of. Contrast that with a neighbor of mine whose liver failed, and when they hospitalized him, he went into constant seizures when they took away the booze. When another of his friends and I tried to visit him, he never knew we were in the room. Now that is true addiction.

I am not sure what the diagnosis for me would have been. I didn't want to develop any kind of record with a rehab stay that could somehow haunt my reputation for stability for employment or anything else...not to mention, at that time, a pre-existing condition could crap up your insurance big-time. So no doctor has ever been told.

I can report that my memory improved. I was noticeably more sharp after a year passed. But there weren't any shakes or cravings.

All I can say is...12 beers a night is what you call truly un-good, even if it's only a bad habit!

Nessie